28. Fixing The Signal: Ex Special Forces advice on taking control of your mindset

In this episode I talk about a tool that was taught to me by an ex special forces operator. 🤯

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Over the last two weeks, I've been very fortunate because I have spent lots of time with a guy who was in the special forces for a number of years, and watching him operate on a day-to-day basis makes me realise just how messy and uncontrolled my mindset is. It's you know, he's there is nothing that ruffles his feathers. And I know yeah, I'm very well aware that he's had years of training, not to mention he's been in war zones where his life's been on the line, and he is very good at responding, not reacting, and just keeping everything under control. And he doesn't there's nothing that makes him wobble, from what I can see. And last week I took him out for a coffee, and I asked him if there was one piece of advice he could give me that would help me to manage my mindset, because he was telling me all about how in war zones, you know, he was talking about different things that had happened in the past where you know, battles he's had, fire fights he's had, points where people'd been shooting at him close range, you know, where he's had to fight people hand to hand basically. And I asked him, you know, is there can you just teach me something that you learn in the special forces that will help me on a day-to-day basis? And the first thing he came out with, and you may have heard of this already actually, but it's ODA OODA, and he went through and told me exactly you know how to use this, why you use it, and how it gives you agency in any situation basically. Um so the first O in ODA is observe, and yeah, in terms of the military, this is where you would look at your surroundings and see exactly what's going on, and you're not you're not you're not applying any kind of thinking to this. This is literally you're taking in raw data, so there's no you know, don't give don't have any opinions, just literally assess what's going on around you, observe. So you look around you, this is what's happening, this is where we are, these are our resources, this is how many of us there are. Don't don't try and locate uh you know potential problems or anything like that at this point. This is purely taking in raw, unfiltered data, and then once you've done that, the next O in ODA is orient or orientate. I'm never too sure which of those words is, I think it's orient. So you orient yourself. So this is where you take that raw data and you apply your thinking to it. So you take all of the everything that you've collected, everything that you can see around you, everything you know is going on, and you use your prior experience, anything, any, you know, any tactics that you've learnt or any skills you've learnt, you take that and you apply that to what's going on. So this is you know, like if I'm thirsty, this is a very crap example, but if I'm thirsty, the the um observe might be, okay, well there's a tap over there, I've got I don't know, cordial in the fridge, say, there's a glass in the cupboard, and there's nothing on the floor between me and that. And then when you're orienting, you might say, Oh, actually, do you know what? I know from experience that I need to let the tap run for a bit first so that it tastes better, and I might want to put some ice in there as well, and you know, or like or I'll go for that, you know, I'll choose that flavour of orange squash or raspber raspberry squash, whatever it is, I'll choose that because I know that I like this is it's just this is a really bad example about making a drink, but you get what I'm saying, you so you apply your knowledge to the thing, and then once you've done your observation and you've orientated yourself, if that's the word. Next thing is decide. So, this is where you decide on a course of action, and the really important thing here is you don't try and take perfect action, you don't sit there and weigh everything up a million times and try and make everything perfect and try and get it bang on the money straight off the bat. You simply choose a single course of action, make a decision and not a permanent choice, because basically, you're looking to run a hypothesis basically to be tested. You don't want hundreds you don't wait for 100% certainty because by the time you have that 100% certainty, the situation may have changed, and you know you need to decide just based on the best fit for the current situation or your current orientation. And then once you've made that decision, the next step is to act. And action is kind of a like a data generator, if you like, you know, you act to see how the environment responds. And if you don't act quickly, your loop kind of stalls and you're left overthinking. So you need to execute that decision you've made immediately, and then once you've done the thing, then you restart the loop again, and you go back and you reobserve, and then once you've reobserved, you reorientate, and then you decide and then you act. And these these UDA loops, they're in the military, he was explaining to me that they're really useful because the faster that you can go through that loop and start the next loop and the next one and the next one, the easier or the the more ability you have to outsmart or out out think out act your enemy. So by the time they've tried to figure out what you're doing, you've basically gone through the loop and you've started again and you've reassessed and gone through the whole thing again. So in the in the military, this is like he said, this is you know one of the things that they're taught early on, but it removes any indecision, self-doubt, or you know, lack of confidence in a decision you need to make, anything it basically just means that you you operate mechanically, so you go through this over and over and over again, and it can literally be applied to anything in life. For example, when I was working with this guy, because he's actually teaching um a course with me at the moment, and as as one day he came in and we sent everyone off for a tea break, and he said to me, God, they're terrible crowd today, there's like no energy, no one's answering any questions, everyone's just staring blank faced at the front. And um I said, Yeah, I know, like we need to build the energy up a little bit. And he told me then that he'd been running these oodle loops as he went. So, like, he rather than sit there and think, Oh, do you know what? Maybe I'm not doing too well today, maybe I've maybe I'm being boring, maybe they don't like me, maybe the information I'm teaching them isn't you know exciting enough to get their attention, instead of doing all that stuff and doubting yourself and going through this horrible thing where you walk away at the end of the day feeling terrible about yourself, you just apply over the loops and you go round and round and round and round and round. And each time you do it, you get better and better and better. So he like I noticed one thing he did was he switched his standard plan for this lesson, and instead of going through a s a um a presentation that he had, he started pulling people up to the front, and he he he he um he started getting them to hold link hands above their heads, and then they had to push to see who could push the other person the furthest. And he was asking everyone in the room to take bets on who was gonna win, and then when they when they had their hands up there, he played the um dirty dancing song Hungry Eyes, and everyone laughed, and the energy in the room shot up. Suddenly everyone was asking questions, they were answering questions, everyone was full of life, uh but but you know you it would have been very, very easy to internalize that silence and to especially with a lack of experience and to think you'd done a bad job or walk away a bit dejected and a bit feeling a bit shit. So, since he's told me about this, I've started using it in all areas of life because you c I th I literally think you can at any given moment you can apply this and it'll take away indecision because I think that's one thing that a lot of us suffer with. I know I do, where you have an idea or you there's something you want to do, and then before you've even started doing the thing, you start seeing all the potential things that could go wrong, and then you're trying to find solutions for the things that have gone wrong before you've even started the thing, and before you know it, the thing is just dead, and you've just given up, and it just sits on the shit heap with the rest of the stuff that you started and didn't finish. So, yeah, and like look, one thing that's like I know I have so much ag with this is DIY around the house. There are so many jobs where you start the job and then another problem comes up, and then you go, Oh, okay, and then you start working on the other thing, and then you find another problem. Before you know it, something like changing a plug socket on the wall has turned into I'm taking the wall down, and it it's so easy for things to go like that and for your your thinking to just get messy and get in your way. So then the next time you go to change a light uh plug socket, you might sit there and think, Oh, do you know what I'll do that? But then what if this happens? Okay, well, I need to do that. And you you know you can plan, plan, plan, plan, plan, and think your way out of doing the job at all. So, ooder loops, there yeah, that's like a bit of a revelation for me. And um, you know, you may have heard of them before, but this is the first time I've really heard of them, and yeah, it's it's changed the way I've thought about everything since I had that conversation with him. Another place that I actually used these OODA loops since I learned about it, is I went basically, my my birthday was in March, right? My 40th birthday, and without without trying to ham it up too much, I was feeling a little bit wobbly about turning 40. I wouldn't say I've had like a full-on midlife crisis well maybe I have since, I don't know, but like I midlife crisis is kind of the thing that everyone expects around the age of 40. And I was a bit a little bit anxious about turning 40, and then literally my 40th birthday came and I had this toothache, as I've I've spoken about this on the podcast before, but I had this horrible toothache, and it went on for a week, like bang over my middle of my birthday, so I couldn't do anything, and it all was a bit flat, like the the my birthday went by completely unacknowledged, really. It was it was shit to put it bluntly. Um and I kind of I felt really flat about the whole thing, right? And but also by the way, it's not really I find it it's difficult for me to kind of admit vulnerability like this, so yeah, I don't get any I don't get any joy out of talking about this, but I did feel like you know no one really cared that much, and then what happened was a lot of my friends all kind of turned 40 in a short space of time, and a lot of them had these massive, extravagant things, like the you know, one person I know went to the Maldives for two weeks with his wife. Um there were parties thrown, people having all these big do's, and yeah, I went to one of my friends, we went to this big barbecue, and he had a massive gazebo with a football on there, food for you know loads and loads of people there, and I was feeling quite shit about myself because I thought, well, you know, I yeah, I know I had a toothache and all that sort of you know, that kind of banjaxed my the ability to do much on my birthday, but then I started thinking, well, no one really planned anything for me. There was no big oh let's do a thing for your birthday, and I was feeling shit about it, but then I applied the oodaloops and I started thinking about it, and I was thinking, well, the f the facts, you know, observing, there was I had a toothache for a start, I was completely out of action for a whole week in agony, writhing around on the sofa or in the bed, desperate to get the tooth taken out, and yeah, it was a horrible, horrible week. And I was thinking, well, you know, did I did I explicitly tell people that I wanted to do something? Was I really upfront about wanting to do something big for my birthday? No, I wasn't really. I mean my wife asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday, and I didn't really give her any great ideas. I you know, I said to her, I don't really want to have just a standard party, I don't want to just get absolutely smashed and have a messy, you know, like you do when you're 18 type thing. But that's you know, that's all I gave her to work with. So how can I expect anyone to work with that? So they're the facts, and I was thinking, right, orientate. So what does it or orient, whatever the word is, what does that mean in this situation here? Basically, I could say quite clearly that I'm reading into something that isn't really there. Because yeah, I don't know, my my friends who have gone away and had big extravagant 40th birthday parties, they may have planned that to within an inch of their lives, they might have been really specific about exactly what they wanted to do, they may have saved up for it, yeah. They they they may have like put some planning and effort into it themselves, you know, it's not as if just their partner just clicked their fingers and then it all happened immediately. So I was like, okay, and then I thought, well, so then make a decision. So what do I do? How where do I go from here with it? And I was thinking, well, you know, I could sit here and stew in it and feel shit, or I could just get on with my life. And I thought, I'm not gonna try and make it perfect, I'll just move on with things, just keep moving forwards. And yeah, the act act part of this sort of takes care of itself once you've decided to do nothing. It's like it's like the passive uh response, isn't it? But so then, you know, now a few weeks have gone by, I don't feel that bad about it anymore, it's just gone now. It's like it's done and dusted. I did you know the other thing as well, I think I've got previews for this, it's a bit triggering for me because my um my 30th birthday was literally a week or so after my second daughter was born, so didn't really do much for that either. I remember we went for a meal with some people, but didn't really have a big extravagant thing for that either. So I kind of you know these big birthdays only come once every 10 years, so it's kind of been and gone twice now with nothing really happening. You know, the last one before that was my my 21st, and my 21st, I was actually at the time I was with a girlfriend who well that that was a different time then. I was with someone that I didn't really like and it was I don't know, a very, very different time. My 18th was really good, but yeah, so I just I just feel like I've missed out, but yeah, walking up, what am I gonna do? Harp on and moan about it forever. The point the reason I'm talking about this is because I did use Oodaloops in like a a very different way, but it's worked because now I just think, oh well, move on, crack on with life. Yeah, it's now been like what three months since my birthday, so it's done and dusted, forget about it now. Move on, onwards and upwards. The big news flash this month is that we have decided to get a dog. We're gonna get a puppy, which is awesome. I think we've we've all kind of wanted a dog for years and years and years because we all we all love dogs, but we always had cats, uh you know. I know some people say that you can have dogs and cats, and you know, you probably can. It probably would have been fine, but I just I know one of our cats would have had a heart attack if he brought even a puppy into the house, like she would not have liked it at all, and she had a heart murmur anyway, so she may have just dropped dead. So, anyway, but our our um our cats both died fairly recently, which was horrible, and the kids have been going on and on and on about needing a new pet. And there was there was a buffer period of about maybe I don't know, three months or so, where everyone was too sad to even think about getting another pet because we missed our cats so much. But we got these hamsters for the kids because they've always wanted hamsters, and I've always been the one that's gone, no, we're not getting hamsters, they stink and they don't, you know, they only live for a really short amount of time, and I just don't really want them in the house, they're pointless. But I bit the bullet, we got hamsters, so now we have Cheerio and Marshmallow. Uh they kind of seem like pointless pets to me, but maybe that's just me being a a grump. One of them I like that you know, Cheerio runs up and down my arm sometimes, and he's alright, I can uh I can I can get along with him. But anyway, I said to my wife and the kids that I didn't want to get a dog for now because I I think we need to move to a bigger house, and we we've been looking to move for a long time now, and it's not really on the horizon yet. So I I just said that we can't really have you know a dog the size of dog that we would want in this house. But then the other week I just thought, you know what, fuck it, YOLO, let's just go and get a dog. So I told everybody I was up for it, and the energy in the house has shifted because everyone is so excited about getting a dog. And um, we were we were talking about breeds, and we started off with um there were three breeds that we were looking at maybe getting. The first one was a Springer Spaniel and a Labrador and a Vizla or Visla, however you say it, because like Vishlers literally, I reckon they might be the best looking dog that's ever existed. Oh my god, they look amazing, those dogs, and they're so friendly. They call them they nickname them the Velcro dogs, they're like the most friendly, loyal dogs in the world, and they're great with kids, and there's like so many reasons why Vizla would be brilliant. But we're at the minute we're on the fence because I love Springer Spaniels. I've got a few friends that have got them, and they are literally so much fun, they're so happy, they're so smart, you know, they're they're just full of life. I love Springer Spaniels, but they also require grooming every kind of six to eight weeks, I think it is, and you know, they shed, and yeah, they're also the sort of dog, you know, when you s you stroke some dogs and then your hand is like clacky afterwards, I think because they're long haired. Is it lanolin or something they have in their fur? Something like that, but that kind of puts me off a little bit, you know, the idea of getting um a spring of spaniel, as much as I love them. Um, so then we were like, Well, we all really want to get a a Vishla because they are literally they're just beautiful. What a good looking dog, and they just there's everything about them is like they just they're amazing, but I do think that they are a lot to take on, especially if you've not owned a dog before, because they've just got so much energy and they're so smart, they're um they're gun dogs, aren't they? So they they need to be out for a good two to three hours really of running in the day, they need to go out for like big exercise periods, and then you know, a lot of dogs you can get away with leaving them at home alone for a few hours, maybe, but Vizlers they need to be stimulated. And I've heard horror stories of people that have come home and their TV's smashed on the floor, the sofa's eaten, and you know, they're just like really destructive if they get bored. And yeah, I think because they're they're so smart as well, they need to have like mental stimulation, so they need to have games, they need to be yeah, and and also they they don't they've nicknamed the velcro dogs, they they literally want to be with you all the time. I've seen so many things on YouTube where these dogs, massive dogs, is curled up on your lap all the time, and again, I just think they might be a lot to take on if you've not had a dog before, especially. So, as much as we all desperately want to get a Vishla, I do think that we might be veering more towards a Labrador because Labradors are I think well from my from what I've seen, they're like the most vanilla dog, they're lovely, they're friendly, yeah, they're really loyal, they're protectors, they're yeah, they like to exercise as well, but not as much as a Vishla, maybe. I just think that they might be a it might be a bit easier or a bit lighter work to get a um a Labrador. So we're yeah, we're still open to other things. I mean for we went for a phase where the kids really wanted to get a um a dash and like a sausage dog. Um but for me personally I prefer like a larger dog than that. So yeah, we're gonna get a dog. Um we've tried to plan it around our lives, and we're going away in August camping, and then we may be going abroad in October. And I was looking at it, I was thinking, well, if if we got a puppy, like literally today, it would be just at the age where it's just had its jabs, and it wouldn't yeah, it could it could come camping with us, but I think it would um it'd be too much on the dog to take them camping when they're just that young. They've just they're only just allowed to be up and around walking on you know pools on pavement and grass and stuff. So yeah, I don't think that's gonna be doable. So I think we're gonna have to wait until we go we get back from our holiday in October. Although the kids are now saying they're now saying that they want to cancel the holiday in October so that we can get a puppy earlier. So it may be that we go we go camping in August and then when we come back we try and get a puppy then. I'm not looking forward to the whole initial few months because people that I know that have had puppies have said that it's kind of like having a baby again where you're up in the night, it's a lot, and um you know, it's it's necessary. Then it's just what we have to do, but I just feel like it's it's been quite a you know it's been about what nine ten years now since I've had a baby, and the whole thing of getting up in the night multiple times destroyed me when I was uh when we had a newborn because it's just like I remember saying to my wife when when the kids were babies, I literally would rather just stay awake all night and have zero sleep than be woken up you know arbitrarily because it was never the feeding times were never the same time every night. So just to go to sleep and think I know I'm gonna be woken up in an hour or so, I'm gonna have to get up and change feed and burp the baby. Oh it was just soldish, it was so hard. So yeah, that I mean I know it's not that frequent with a puppy, but you know, I want to I want the puppy to be really secure, I don't want them to have anxiety, and I want to make sure that we train them really well because I want to set us up with you know a dog that's gonna be a great companion and someone who's well trained and who's gonna fit into our lives nicely, yeah. That's what I'm thinking. So yeah, we're gonna have to put the effort in at the beginning, but it's gonna be difficult. And the kids are adamant that they are gonna get stuck in with the walks and they're gonna help out with loads of stuff and they're gonna look after the dog. But I know I can expect that for about a week, I reckon, that the kids will be up for walking the dog every day, and then that'll fizzle out because the novelty will wear off, and yeah, trying to get the kids to go for a walk now is hard enough, let alone every single day with a dog multiple times a day. Yeah, so and then you know the other thing we've got as well is um at the minute my wife and I both are out of the house, there's no one here all day while we're at work, so you know that that might change um that well that will have to change before we get the puppy as well, because we'll need to be around the house in a day. So, yeah, there's a few things to think about, but I am like genuinely excited. It feels like you know when you're a kid and you get something exciting to look forward to, it's got that vibe, like it's not it's very different to adult excited where you're just kind of you're happy, but nothing's like really exciting. Getting a puppy is just like yes, I cannot wait for that. I think do you know what? Like, maybe this is again. I keep saying like this is what happens when you turn 40, but maybe it is. I I keep thinking at the minute that I just need to have much more of a fuck it attitude because I do overthink everything and I drag things out and I tie myself up in knots just in my head. And I just think now that life is too short, I should just do shit and not and then worry about the consequences later. Obviously, to it to a degree, I'm not gonna just you know, like I don't know, bet my house on a game of poker or something stupid like that. I mean measured risk, but I think like we've we've been needing to move house for a long time now, and we can we keep on waiting for the perfect time, you know, when we've got enough money or like we feel more comfortable with upping our mortgage payments, all that sort of stuff. But now I'm just thinking, just fucking do it, just move out, buy a new house, and then kind of worry about it after. We'll make it work because yes, as long as you can as long as you can afford to pay your mortgage every month and your bills, everything else can be stripped back if necessary. So I do think we just need to do that. A bit like with a dog, yeah, you can wait forever to for the right time to get a dog, but ultimately you just need to do do the thing you want to do. But there are other things that needed to change before we could move house anyway. So though you know, I've tied this up into a big ball of stress that hasn't done me any good, hasn't done anyone any good, and yeah, I think we just we need to get a dog, we need to move to a new house. Do you know what I keep talking about? Maybe we should just literally do it. I'm always on the edge, just upend everything and just move to the countryside. We can go and buy a massive house and a beautiful area and just live happily ever after. Why is it so hard? God damn it. There's actually um I had this thing before someone gave me and it was um like a matrix for making decisions, and there's like a you go through this thing and it it basically takes the um the headspace or the thought process out of a dis making a decision. You just basically look at metrics, so you basically rate everything, all of your um like the weight of the decision, you weight that, and then the likelihood of positive outcome, you weight all that, and then by the end of it, it gives you like a number that you can weigh up and it will tell you which decision is the right one. Maybe I should just do that because I'm I've I'm forever going round in circles about this, and every time we go to the countryside, every single time I come back going, I just want to move there, I want to live there, I want to go out there now, get rid of this house, go and move out to that field with that with that five-bedroom cottage in the middle of it, and a little barn and a couple of acres on the back of it. I just want to go and live there and I'll be so happy. But you when you've got kids, this is the thing, isn't it? You you know they all they will always come first. They're always gonna be their happiness, is always gonna come ahead of mine, especially while they're children, right? So upending them, taking them out of their school, away from all their friends, the clubs that they do, all that sort of stuff. Yeah, and I don't really want to move away from family and my friends. Oh wouldn't be nice if you could just like take everyone that you care about, lift them all up, and then take them with you, move to the countryside with them. It's kind of what Ed Sheeran did, I think. He's got his own little village, I think, with just houses every of these bought for his friends and family. Oh, another thing that I want to address here is the amount of stick I've been getting online. I literally I think I counted 34 messages. I got 34 messages from random people that I don't know, all telling me that I've I've got an empty cup, an empty coffee cup in my in a video that I've put out, a clip. Oh my god! Literally if I if I've made a cup of coffee and I'm shooting some footage for um Instagram or whatever, invariably the coffee will eventually run out, and eventually I will have an empty cup. And if I'm just in a bit of a flow and I'm just talking, I will forget to put the cup down. I'm just holding it, it's it's like a prop, if you like. The amount of grief I've had with it, like it just and also people moaning at me because there's a sticker on the bottom of the mug because I haven't taken it off yet. But that's I mean, where yeah, the office that those mugs are kept in, there's no dishwasher there, so they just get rinsed out of the sink. So it's not as if you know dishwasher wouldn't take it off, and I don't really think it's that important, it doesn't bother me the fact there's a sticker on the bottom, but it really angers people, honestly. People, even my wife, literally my my wife messaged me today on Instagram under one of the videos I put out, and she just said, Please can you take the stickers off the bottoms of your mugs? Why does it anger people so much? Why does it matter? I don't know, it's funny, isn't it? But yeah, it it I actually quite like that it annoys people so much. I might actually just start doing videos with empty cups like that haven't got anything in them at all, and then just leave the stickers on the bottom and just show it to the camera every five seconds. See how many people I can piss off. Oh, in the grand scheme of things, why does it matter? Anyway, I'm gonna leave it there for now because I need to go and pick my kids up from school. So I will catch you on the next one. Bye.